Honest Neurodivergent Book Review #5: Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman
It’s been a while since I’ve done a neurodivergent book review, so it’s time to play catch-up! My life feels like one long game of catch-up these very pregnant days, but I’m trying. I swear. The next book I’m adding to my collection of neurospicy book reviews is Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman.
Since I’m about three months away from becoming a parent myself, I really wanted to like Low Demand Parenting. I hoped it would bring me a lot of value and insight. While it wasn’t a complete bust with nothing to offer, it really didn’t live up to my expectations. Keep reading for why I didn’t really care for it, as well as the helpful takeaways I did get from reading it, and whether I think it’s worth your time.
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Why I Didn’t Like Low Demand Parenting
Listen, I know I’m not a parent yet, and I don’t know what it’s like to have a neurodivergent child, let alone three of them. But I do have very close friends with multiple neurodivergent children. I spent many years working in childcare with a number of neurodivergent children. I also read a lot of reviews of Low Demand Parenting across multiple platforms because I had to know whether it was just me, and let me tell you, it was not just me.
I’m trying not to be too judgmental because the author’s autism was undiagnosed until after her children started getting diagnosed, and I can only imagine how entirely overwhelmed and exhausted she must have been. With that in mind, a lot of the book just felt like someone who didn’t know how to parent her kids. I guess to some extent she even admits that, but alas, the book still just felt lacking.
Uncontrolled Household Chaos
Low Demand Parenting starts off with the author talking about how she had so many parenting expectations. When her kids didn’t meet those expectations, she turned to various books and other parenting resources that caused her to cling to arbitrary boundaries. Those boundaries made her feel like she was always policing her kids, perpetually being tested, and then expected herself to keep enforcing said boundaries with relevant repercussions if they were violated. Welcome to working with kids.
Whether they are neurodivergent or not, this is just being around kids because kids learn from testing boundaries. If you are putting too many boundaries on them and then letting those boundaries be trampled because you’re too exhausted to enforce them, or are just trying to enforce arbitrary boundaries because you’re the adult, your kids just learn they can continue to trample you or that your boundaries don’t deserve respect. It felt like this mom wanted to be able to copy and paste boundaries she read without making adjustments relevant to their household and then was baffled when it didn’t work.
She has one child who was violent towards the others and strangers, and it often seemed like this child was holding everyone else hostage with his behavior in a way that often made me feel sorry for the other kids. I would hesitate to be this harsh in my criticism, but the author basically admits that it indeed got to this point. I know that sometimes our circumstances swell up around us to a point where it feels normalized until one day you wake up and are wondering how you found yourself in such an extreme circumstance.
However, from my reading of Low Demand Parenting, it feels like this mom had numerous times where she wondered that and just doubled down on things she was doing rather than making changes. Then, when she did decide to make a huge change to how their household functions, she just thrust it upon her husband with no input from him, didn’t care about the issues he had with the system, and just told him to get used to it. I spy a pattern of someone thrusting things upon her household and just expecting them to go with it.
The Low Demand Parenting System
So what was the new Low Demand Parenting system she implemented? She learned more about pathological demand avoidance and learned to look for demands, both seen and unseen, and tried to understand them from her kids’ point of view. I actually love this part of the system and think all parents can benefit from doing this when they run into difficulties with their kids of any age. The goal is to reduce not only the demands you put on your kids but also the amount of pressure and expectations thrust upon them as a result of those demands.
For this mom, that looked like not expecting her child who struggled with mealtimes to eat at the table with everyone else, not requiring him to use arbitrary manners or verbal requests when it came to asking for what he wants to eat, and unlimited screentime for everyone. There were numerous other adjustments she made, but this is a blog post and not a novel of its own, so please bear with my summary.
She spent more time considering what was being asked of her kids when they had problem areas. Turning off a tablet isn’t just turning off a tablet. Maybe the kid is in the middle of a show when they’re asked to turn it off, which is a struggle for all kids, let alone neurodivergent ones who have difficulty with transitions.
Maybe the kid knows that they’re being asked to turn off the tablet because it’s time to go somewhere, in which it’s not just about turning off the tablet, but then needing to go find and put on shoes, which is multiple tasks that could all be leading up to an uncomfortable sensory experience of not being barefoot and squeezing into the car. Maybe they’re dreading the appointment that comes after turning the tablet off, and turning the tablet off is triggering anxiety for that reason. I think these are all important considerations, and they’re not the issue I take with the book.
A Lack of Empathy Education
Here’s where some of my issues come up. It is a harmful misconception that autistic people aren’t capable of empathy. Many autistic people would even say they sometimes feel too much empathy, projecting feelings onto inanimate objects, which prevents them from ever getting rid of those objects because they feel bad for them. Some of us feel empathy for others so strongly that it’s overwhelming so we end up keeping our distance in order to avoid that overwhelm. For many of us, we just process empathy very differently, and learning it in the context of others takes a different approach than how neurotypical children learn empathy.
I absolutely understand that during meltdowns, autistic people are not really in control and may harm others in a way that we wouldn’t usually do if we weren’t completely overwhelmed and unable to process anything at that moment. This is especially true for children whose brains are still developing. That being said, it kind of felt like there were times one of her kids lashed out in ways I’d consider unacceptable that weren’t being described in the context of a meltdown. The low demand parenting approach here seemed to be “it is what it is” rather than trying to help the child regulate or learn the impacts of his behavior.
Mealtime Meltdowns
When this mom took a low-demand look at mealtimes, she realized this child was in sensory hell at meals. Fair. All the small talk, expected eye contact when handed things, uncomfortable chairs, and various sounds of spoons hitting bowls and people chewing were just too much for him, which is why he lashed out at meals and often hit his siblings. I get all of that. But I just don’t care for her solution.
I liked part of her solution, but the rest of it had some serious flaws. Her solution was to make a laminated list with pictures of his favorite breakfast foods. I truly love this idea as a way to take the pressure off making verbal requests and making decisions less open-ended. Instead of being overwhelmed, her son could simply point at what he wants, and they could avoid various struggles they’d been encountering.
The problem comes in on days he refused to point to anything at all. Mom’s solution was to then make all of the items on the list, carry them to whichever room her son chose to be in that morning, and plop them all in front of him. Oftentimes, most of them would end up smashed up and thrown on the floor. Mom just cleans it up and moves on with their day.
I’m sorry, but this just reeked of financial privilege and an absolute disregard for mom. How many families can afford to make eight types of breakfast only for it to be ruined and go to waste? How does this help teach her son empathy for his mom and the effort she puts into feeding and cleaning up after him? I’m well aware that some autistic children developmentally are not capable of processing how wasteful this is or how it negatively impacts their parent or caretaker.
However, nothing I read in the book implied this child was on that level, and there were plenty of examples of him understanding these concepts throughout the book. He seems absolutely capable, but mom seems to be holding him to a lower bar of expectations than he’s capable of, and that helps nobody.
Low Demand Parenting and Unlimited Screentime
One part about Low Demand Parenting I found interesting was this mom’s approach to screen time. When she switched to low demand parenting, she basically dropped all rules around screen time and allowed her kids unlimited access to screens. I was initially hugely critical of this because one of her kids was playing hours of Minecraft every day, but still couldn’t read.
The author tells how he was starting to have extreme reactions around tablet use and when she asked him about it, he said it had suddenly gotten much harder. She checked the settings and realized it had been switched to the highest difficulty level, and he didn’t know this because he couldn’t read. Call me old fashioned but I just don’t think a child should be spending all their time in front of a screen when they’re behind on life skills they need.
When she first implemented this policy, her kids were consumed by screens, spending essentially all of their free time in front of them. I know there are studies on the benefits autistic kids can have from different screen time access than is suggested for neurotypical children. However, that doesn’t mean they’re exempt from the negative impacts excessive screen time can have.
Admittedly, the author goes into how she started to second-guess her decision on this one but trusted her gut and it paid off. When the novelty wore off, her kids regulated their screen time more on their own and started to opt for other activities. Rather than trying to force them outside, she set up a cozy sitting area outside and started reading books out there, letting her tablet-ridden kids follow her outside and into the vitamin D where they eventually started playing on their own, screen-free. I thought this was a clever way to get some outside time without making demands.
While I was happy to hear that her children started regulating their screen time more and didn’t let it consume their lives, they still spent a lot of time basically dopamine chasing on tablets. This is something that can have a serious impact on neural pathways. Just see all the recent research about how excessive screen time can result in kids showing symptoms of autism. Researchers have dubbed it virtual autism. I couldn’t help but wonder how much of her children’s autism symptoms were being exacerbated by the excessive screen time exposure they had.
Things I Liked About Low Demand Parenting
I truly feel bad about being so critical of this book. Parenting is hard. Parenting neurodivergent kids is even harder. Parenting neurodivergent kids when you are also neurodivergent often feels like you’re drowning. I get that, and for that, I do sympathize with this mom and how the situation in their household has drastically improved because she found ways that work better for them, even if they’re unusual.
While I worry about some of the long-term impacts this may have on her kids, she is doing what she can and what she feels works best. More parents should take the time to learn and make drastic adjustments the way she has, rather than trying to force square kids into round holes of generic parenting advice.
Problem Solving with Low Demand Parenting
That’s why I wanted to make sure I highlighted positive things I took away from reading Low Demand Parenting as well. The biggest takeaway is the concept of breaking down problem areas to consider what the demands are. The author makes the point of kids who have a meltdown when you ask them to put on their shoes. Are they being difficult for difficulty’s sake, or is there something deeper going on? Are they anxious about where you’re going? Do their shoes cause sensory issues that can be resolved by buying different shoes? Are they expected to put them on by the door where the floor is hard and cold and noises tend to echo?
By looking at problem areas from her kids’ point of view, she found she was able to come up with some pretty simple solutions. I think this is an approach all parents can benefit from to improve problem areas and decrease the parent-child battles, regardless of whether their child is neurodivergent or not.
Fake Demand Dropping
Another interesting thing I gained from reading this book was the concept of fake demand dropping. You know those times you give up on a request, but you can’t help but feel disappointed? Okay, yes, that was super broad. Let me give an example.
Say you expect your children to be well-mannered and a shining example of kids who say please and thank you without being prompted. Maybe you expect some eye contact and a smile when you hand them their breakfast in the morning. These are demands that, in many situations, are arbitrary. Yes, manners are important, as is showing gratitude. But if you have a neurodivergent kid whose brain processes demands in a way that feels like encroachment on their autonomy and causes them anxiety, do you really need that thank you for every single thing?
That’s easier said than done though. Even if you give up on making those requests day in and day out, part of you may still feel disappointed that your child doesn’t thank you for things, make much eye contact with you, or greet you with a hug after school. This is a fake demand drop. It is about your wants, feelings, and expectations, rather than considering it in the grand scheme of your child’s experience.
This is just one example my unmedicated ADHD pregnancy brain can recall right now and it may not be the strongest one, but the author provides many throughout the book that I found it really insightful. If we pause to consider our discontent when dropping a demand and thinking about whether it really matters or about why it matters to us, we learn how to truly let certain things go, which often has a positive impact on our relationships. And not just with your children, as reflecting on fake demand drops can also be useful in other relationships as well.
Is Low Demand Parenting Worth the Read?
To sum things up, was Low Demand Parenting the best book I’ve ever read? No. Is it a must-read parenting book every parent should read before they consider reproducing? Probably not. Does it offer insight that can be really helpful, and many parents can benefit from? I think so.
While I found a lot of things to criticize about it, there are also many parts of it that have stuck with me that I think benefit all of my relationships and my parenting approach. It’s also a pretty short book, so if you decide to give it a try, it’s not a massive undertaking. My recommendation? Give it a read. Like me, you may not agree with a lot of it, but I’d bet you do take some positive things away from it as well.
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