Going off ADHD Medication: Another 2024 Catastrophe or Liberating?

I’m going off ADHD medication soon and honestly, I’m mildly terrified. My husband and I are starting to try to have kids (🧿) and Adderall is a no-go during pregnancy. As Adderall and most other ADHD medications are essentially forms of amphetamines, they’re not exactly great for a growing fetus. Use during pregnancy can lead to low birth weights, reduced head size, and even withdrawal symptoms in newborns. Obviously, I would like to have a healthy child but I also grew up in the ’90s. As a result, I have ’90s media trauma surrounding the coverage of crack babies. I learned enough that I know I should probably stop taking my daily dose of speed.

The Benefits of ADHD Medication

Part of why I’m terrified to go off ADHD medication is because it has been truly life-changing for me. Before going on ADHD meds, I often felt stuck in bed. If I wasn’t actively looking forward to something or felt anxious about the day’s tasks, my bed was like a movie version of quicksand. The more I tried to get myself out of it, the more quickly it consumed me.

Being on ADHD medication was the first time I had felt task initiative regarding chores. Before that, I had never thought of a chore that needed to be done and thought, “I’ll just do it now.” It was always “I’ll do it when I walk the dog later” or “I can get away with doing it tomorrow.” Absolute toss-up of if it would get done at either of those times. Solid chance it would get procrastinated into next week.

Before ADHD Medication

There are plenty of other reasons why the thought of going off ADHD medication makes me nervous. Before my ADHD was diagnosed and medicated, my life was low-key chaos. Throughout most of my twenties, I was in school, working multiple jobs, and playing volleyball. They created built-in parts of my schedule I could structure other things around. It kept me busy enough I didn’t really have time to think about why I had always kept so busy.

Being busy kept me out of the house and served as a defense mechanism. It meant more time away from toxic dynamics at home. It protected me from being too vulnerable in any of my other relationships. As my thirties began to loom, my whirlwind was starting to slow down. I became more aware of those gaps in my relationships and longing for closer ones.

A New Routine But Still No Task Initiation

First, I stopped taking on multiple jobs and trying to force myself into office environments. I agreed to nanny for a family who had been begging me to. I wanted to give myself a low-pressure year to figure myself out a bit. The routine helped me a lot but despite adoring the kids I worked with, there were just too many days I could not get myself to go. I couldn’t get myself to work out consistently despite the ache of inactivity I could feel in my joints. Cooking consistently was nonexistent. I did manage to get into the routine of washing my face twice a day so at least it wasn’t a total wash of a year.

Self-Medicating ADHD

I didn’t realize it at the time but I had also been occasionally self-medicating throughout that year. A friend of mine had decided to go off of their meds and gave me the rest of theirs when I was struggling to finish my papers for grad school. Occasionally, I would take them on days I needed to catch up on tasks like scheduling six doctor appointments I was behind on or a month’s worth of cleaning. I realized I liked being on them because I was able to take better care of myself and keep up with life better. I legitimately worried at this point that I had gotten addicted to them because I needed them to get things done. Six years into a diagnosis, this story is simultaneously hilarious and sad to me now.

I spoke to my doctor about an ADHD diagnosis, wondering if this was addict behavior. She gave me a referral to an ADHD testing center where I was sure they were going to out me for my drug-seeking behavior. To my surprise, I passed with flying ADHD colors. Suddenly, so many things made sense. I wasn’t addicted to Adderall. I had been legitimately and accurately self-medicating. The dosage was even close to what I’ve been on for the last six years.

What’s Changed Over Six Years of ADHD Medication

I keep trying to tell myself that I shouldn’t be so worried about going off ADHD medication. A lot has changed in my life over the last six years. I’ve learned a lot about neurodivergence, the subtypes of ADHD, and how they affect me. I started and ran a business for four years that taught me how to build a cleaning schedule and meal plan for multiple mouths. Of course, since burning out and closing that business I have struggled with consistency on all of those things. Maybe having kids will be what helps drive me back into that consistency? Dammit, that’s probably a lot of pressure on my unborn children. Not so great for this whole cycle breaking thing.

I’ve also learned a lot more about coping mechanisms, not to mention have had quite a bit of therapy. I’ve read a lot about neurodivergence and toxic family dynamics and understand myself a lot better now. I still struggle to prioritize tasks but I’m much better at breaking them down into more manageable ones. Of course, I’m now over here wondering if that’s a life skill that’s set for good now or if that will disappear over time but maybe that’s just my increased anxiety from stopping my hydroxychloroquine recently. Fun times over here, guys. Fun times.

Planning Ahead For Going Off ADHD Medication

I have so many concerns about going off ADHD medication. Will I ever live in a clean home again? How behind am I going to get on doctor appointments? Will I be able to consistently get out of bed on days I’m not motivated? Am I going to put on weight by dopamine chasing through snacks and a lack of task initiation to cook? The worries seem to be endless but I’m trying to be proactive as I can.

I’m working less over the next two weeks so I can take the time to prepare myself to stop taking my ADHD medication. I made a list of all the appointments I need to schedule that I’m going to tackle (with a heavy thanks to my husband for making all of the phone calls related to that.) I’m making a new, more manageable cleaning chart to help me keep track and give me the dopamine high of crossing things off as I do them. I’m compiling a list of easy go-to recipes I can refer to that will make meal planning less overwhelming.

Getting My Mind Right Before Stopping ADHD Meds

I know I can’t just go off ADHD medication without being mindful of my mental health. To do that, I’ve scheduled consults to find a new therapist (or maybe two.) On top of my unique spice blend of neurodivergence, I also have a nice spicy blend of processing childhood trauma and parentification while living through a war and experiencing secondary exposure trauma. Telehealth can tele-not meet my needs right now so I’m committing to finding a specialist in my area to make sure that I don’t spiral into a hole of self-hatred and become problematically less productive without ADHD medication.

Also necessary: catching up on various procrastinated tasks such as picking out the photos for our wedding album from our wedding that took place over a year ago. My hope is that by getting myself caught up on life beforehand, I won’t be setting myself up to drown in a sea of overwhelm once I stop taking my ADHD meds. I already know that I struggle with negative self-talk surrounding productivity so I need to do what I can to not set myself up for failure by taking what proactive steps I can.

What I’m Looking Forward to About Going Off ADHD Medication

Generally, I’m very pro-ADHD medication because of how beneficial it’s been for me. However, there are things I’m looking forward to or am at least curious about going off of it. I’m curious to see how it impacts our household task flow with my husband and if my struggles with task initiation will force me to be better about communicating when I need help.

Additionally, ADHD medication helps me get things done but all of that task initiation is draining. There’s this common experience for people diagnosed with ADHD who start medicating and think, “Is this what neurotypicals feel like all the time?” No, it’s not because doing those tasks doesn’t have the same drain and sensory toll on neurotypicals as they do on the neurodivergent. So while taking ADHD medication can be helpful for staying on top of life tasks and performing better at work, it tends to take a toll on our social life and romantic relationships because once our meds wear off for the day, we’re done for the day also.

Getting Back the ADHD Sparkle

Many people when they start ADHD medications worry if it will take away “their sparkle”. Some people start meds and feel like they got their sparkle back. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I see all the help it’s given me. I’ve grown a lot since being on it but is that just because I’m older and married now? I’m genuinely curious to see what the difference is.

I also used to be a lot more spontaneous and creative. I’d stay up late making a spontaneous gift for a friend. I threw awesomely crafted theme parties. My room was decorated and redecorated (and then redecorated again.) I wrote enough to fall in love with writing but since being on ADHD medications I’ve felt a bit of a block in all of those areas. It’s like all the energy that goes into regular cleaning and the decision-making of meal planning and prepping uses up all the chaotic organizing and decision-making that goes into creative ventures.

It feels like my brain has a finite amount of those things and ADHD meds directs them towards productive tasks instead of creative ones. Then when I’m done being productive, there’s nothing left for creativity or spontaneity. So, while I’m nervous about the impending lack of productivity, I am curious to see if more of a creative flame is set ablaze again by the absence of Adderall in my system.

Advice For Going Off ADHD Medication

If any of you have experienced going off ADHD medications after being on them for a significant amount of time, what were your experiences? Are you glad you went off them or did you miss being on them? What was the hardest part of the transition for you? Do you have any advice for this very apprehensive Ari? Please leave me your tips in the comments!