Dopamine Downs and the Post Vacation Blues

Post vacation blues are real. I have possibly the worst case of the dopamine downs and post-vacation blues that I’ve ever experienced. Probably because I just got back from the best vacation I’ve ever been on. For our first anniversary, we finally got to take a break from the war and go on a honeymoon. It was a much better trip than the trips we’ve taken over the last year, which have largely been trips to the bomb shelter.

Habibi Come to Dubai

We looked up hotels in Dubai kind of on a whim. Luckily for us, we found a great deal at a hotel with rave reviews. As Israelis, we weren’t sure what to expect in how people would receive. Many Jews and Israelis have been attacked abroad in recent months so we were understandably apprehensive. I can honestly state though that we had no bad experiences. We met people from all over the world. We got to spend time with people from other parts of the Middle East. More than anything, people were just excited to actually interact with us. I think the fact we’re a mixed couple also intrigued people. Many people have heard the false accusations that Israel is an apartheid state. Yet here we were as an example of how false that claim is.

Even those who were a bit apprehensive at first were fairly easily disarmed by my husband’s native Arabic and generally charming nature. Others I think were just surprised that Jews could be blonde and blue-eyed. Essentially, we planned to go on a honeymoon but unintentionally found ourselves on a breaking stereotypes speaking tour. We had such great interactions. I genuinely miss some of the people we met there which has been another factor in the intensity of these post vacation blues.

An Unexpectedly Healing Vacation

When we left, I had no way to expect the ways this trip would be a healing experience for me. First of all, in a time when we’re facing so much misinformation about Israel and Palestine and the intense hatred we experience online, being face-to-face with people from countries who supposedly hate us was healing in its own right.

There was a realization that the same way they don’t identify or agree with their own governments, we aren’t our government either. There was much more sympathy and support than I possibly could have expected. Surprisingly, there was even more support and empathy than we’ve gotten from most westerners. There were endless conversations of hoping for peace for all sides. We talked about how we hoped conversations like ours would lead to a better future for the whole region one day. In a time when our governments and the media want us to be divided, it was a beautiful bonding display of drunken pool shenanigans and political talks over dinner.

Surprise! You Have Childhood Vacation Trauma

Childhood trauma has a habit of showing up at unexpected times. Still, I truly didn’t expect it to visit on an anniversary trip with my husband. I didn’t realize how much trauma I had surrounding family vacations growing up until this trip. My parents were always harping on us about being on a budget…from their timeshare at the Marriott. We would get yelled at if we charged anything to the room. We were constantly reminded of how much they had spent just to take us there.

I think that probably comes off as whiny and entitled. There’s truly a lot more to the intensity of it all than I want to share here. There is a certain impact on your sense of self-worth it has on you though. I will say that it was bad enough that it’s caused me to feel anxious with every vacation purchase. It’s left me feeling like its asking too much anytime I want to have another drink or buy something full price.

Listen, I’ve been through a fair amount of therapy at this point. It still took a trip with my husband to realize how family vacations had impacted my sense of self-worth. There was so much financial stress put on us. So many passive-aggressive comments you were expected to ignore. There was a constant expectation of accepting bad treatment from my step-dad and being told to just “let things go.”

Aging Out of Family Vacations

As I got old enough to drink, I drank like anybody else did in their early 20s. My parents however made constant comments about it. They made me feel damaged, problematic, and inferior in the process. It made me feel like I was only on those vacations out of an obligation to bring me, not because they wanted me there. Like I don’t deserve anything that’s full price. If I did get anything, I needed to beg and justify the expense or promise other ways to make up for it in the budget. I didn’t even realize I had been conditioned to do that until my husband pointed it out in mild horror.

Healing From Childhood Vacation Trauma

Multiple times I’d start justifying buying something we both wanted or suggest a way to make up the budget elsewhere. My husband would look confused then his look would shift between pity and mild horror and say, “What fucked up upbringing did you have?”. (This is high praise from a Bedouin but in all the worst ways.) Never before had I had someone tell me I deserved to have nicer things than what I could find for a bargain. When I did get something for myself, I wasn’t met with guilt trips or having it held over me for an amount of time determined by the price of the item.

I hated family vacations enough that I started volunteering to stay behind and dog sit. I was aware of how unhappy I was on them and how toxic the interactions were. Those trips didn’t give me post vacation blues, they were the blues. What I wasn’t aware of was just how much they had left me feeling like something was wrong with me. Like I just needed to let things go so everyone else could get along, and like I was a burden. It took my husband treating me the exact opposite way for me to realize and come to terms with the lasting impact.

It’s wild to realize how much an annual week-long vacation can damage you when your family is dysfunctional. (Especially when that family would be shocked to be called dysfunctional.) I realized that this was the first vacation I’ve ever been on where I felt fully loved, wanted, and accepted by who I was there with.

Quality Couple Time a Major Cause of Post Vacation Blues

Obviously, a huge part of much fun I had in Dubai was because I had such a fantastic time with my husband. We have been through an insane first year of marriage. He’s been working his ass off to get us through it and I’m so impressed with him. Unfortunately, it also meant less quality time together and even being apart for three months while he worked abroad. I’m so proud of all he’s done. I truly loved getting to see him enjoy how much his work has paid off. We went to pool parties, marveled at the Dubai Aquarium, got a taste of home at the Cheesecake Factory, drove buggies and go dune busting in the desert. Let me tell you, we legitimately didn’t want to come home.

Being neurodivergent, I need routine to get through my responsibilities without things descending into complete chaos. This can sometimes make quality time with my husband hard if our schedules aren’t quite lining up. We’re always worried about when the dogs need to go out next or who’s making dinner (assuming we have everything we need to make said dinner.) There’s always a worry about not getting enough sleep. On vacation, we could just enjoy our time together. We were free to do whatever we felt like at any which hour and that was wonderful.

A Break From Reality

On vacation, we could get up and go to bed whenever we wanted. That’s because we didn’t need to be up to walk the dogs around 7 because our Akita is a bit of a diva with an attitude. We had room service and cleaners to do dishes, bring fresh towels, and change the sheets. Or as I refer to these tasks, the ADHD trifecta of most-hated chores.

While away, we got to go to nice restaurants and judge who was actually wealthy, who was pretending to be, and who was paying for their company. We did stupid things like embarrass my husband’s ancestors by having another human lead us around on a camel. We have camels at home so I was honestly ready to pass. My husband’s roots must have been calling to him because he insisted I had to also ride this bigger breed of camel. Why you ask? Because these camels could carry two people and the ones at home can only carry one. Obviously I wasn’t going alone. Needless to say, the pictures are hilarious and I’ve been banned from showing them to his family.

Longing to Be a Real Housewife of Dubai

While living our fake bougie life in Dubai, we got to enjoy each other without all the hassles of real life. There were no household chores that no one warns you are the majority of what being an adult is about. We could drink without worrying about if we were hungover the next day. For that matter, we could drink without being guilted every sip along the way because this was our first real vacation just the two of us. Previous vacations have included my buzzkill parents or his Muslim (and fictitiously pious) brother. Despite such wildly different backgrounds, both parties love to guilt us for *gasp* drinking on vacation.

Meeting Penguins in Dubai

Both my husband and I grew up riding horses and try to look up riding options when we travel. We thought we found a place and were so excited about it. Sadly, it fell through due to some bizarre weight limitations that makes me think the horses may have been miniatures. (I am being sarcastic to mask my disappointment and how weird we both found this.) To fill the day, my husband suggested we go to the Dubai Aquarium. I initially dismissed it because I’m from a coastline. We have aquariums, why would I want to go to one in the middle of the desert? That’s when I found out my husband, who regularly stuns and confuses people with the places he’s been to, had never been to an aquarium. Once I heard that, we were obviously going to the aquarium.

Sharks, and Penguins, and Otters, oh my!

And I am so glad we did because it was honestly one of the best things we did! The Dubai Aquarium is beautifully done and would be fun even without the added experiences. We opted to add in the experiences to meet penguins and sea otters. I repeat: WE MET PENGUINS AND SEE OTTERS! It was a mildly bizarre experience to be bundling ourselves into giant puffy jackets to go pet and feed penguins in the middle of Dubai but it’s quite possible it was the most excited my husband and I have ever been.

After that, we did the sea otter experience where we GOT TO HOLD HANDS WITH THE SEA OTTERS as well as feed them. As an animal lover, I do feel compelled to tell you I often feel icky in zoos and have been to questionable aquariums which likely made me hesitate about coming to this one. The animals at the Dubai Aquarium seemed very well cared for and loved by their trainers. The experiences are set up in a way that allows the animals to choose if they want to participate or not.

There are treats involved so of course most of them choose to participate but you could see some who opted to snooze or swim instead. Knowing that added to the experience and allowed us to fully enjoy the it (other than the smells.) And now my dopamine levels may never recover because I pet penguins and held hands with sea otters.

Post Vacation Blues

Ultimately, we had to come home and face the post vacation blues. Mostly because our dogsitter couldn’t stay with the dogs any longer and we accepted we had real-life responsibilities to return to. It was the most depressing flight of my life. Now that we’re home, I am having THE hardest time getting back into routine. I know my body needs it but I feel resentful of it. I had so much fun in Dubai so now I’m in a deeeep dopamine pit. Nothing is interesting and chores feel extra taxing. Cleaning everything myself again? Horrible. Sitting at my desk almost every day again? Horrible. Grocery shopping and making decisions about what to cook again? The most horrible.

On top of that, we have two large dogs which means a constant stream of drool and dog hair to be cleaned. One of them is also getting old fast on me and has been struggling with bladder issues. We’re waiting on results to figure out what needs to be done there. I am not emotionally prepared to really face that yet, which is further contributing to this very severe case of the post vacation blues.

I am exhausted and need a vacation already. I’ve only been home for five days and have barely been able to get myself to do the things I need and should do but yep, definitely already exhausted and dreaming of going back to Dubai. My longing for a lack of responsibilities is making me worried about having kids and never really being free of responsibilities again but I’m trying not to spiral (keyword: trying) because this brain cannoot handle anymore dopamine drain on it right now.

ADHD and Post Vacation Dopamine Downs

Of course, everyone hates coming home from vacation. I know my husband and I are far from the first people to go on vacation and say “But what if we lived here? Maybe just a summer home?” Everyone loves a reprieve from banal chores and endless work tasks. That being said, I swear it’s worse for people with ADHD. We are so driven by dopamine that after a fun trip, returning to everyday life can feel like returning to hell. I guess that’s a bit literal since we returned home to a war that’s about to reach the one-year point so maybe I’m being too literal with the feeling of returning to hell but I would feel that way even if we were returning to sunshine and rainbows over here.

Because of the ADHD aspect, I feel like I’m struggling to get myself to do anything because now I have no motivation. Before Dubai it was easy to plow through work because I was just telling myself “Get this done so your week off doesn’t plummet your income this month.” It was easy to workout consistently because I didn’t want to be oozing out of my bathing suits at the pool. Eating well was easy because I didn’t want to feel like crap on vacation. Now that I’m home? 🎶Nothing really matters to meeeeee

Getting Past the Post Vacation Blues

I have no life lessons or advice here to help you get through your post vacation blues. If you found this blog while looking for that, I’m sorry. Add it to my list of failures this week. I’m too busy moping and dragging one very heavy foot in front of the other to scrape through my responsibilities. I’m still pushing off all the low priority tasks I swore I would handle once I got back from vacation. I have mostly resumed my morning walks but am yet to actually workout and dinner most nights is once again takeout. I know I need to get my shit together but I simply just don’t freaking want to which just makes it that much harder for my brain to push myself through this battlefield of fallen dopamine.

If anyone has any ideas, please tell me in the comments because I’ve got nothing. I have a networking Zoom call with an ADHD coach next week. Maybe if I’m not out of these dopamine downs by then, she’ll have some tips for me because seriously, I need them. I’ll report back if she has anything useful I could share her. Until then, wish me luck. And please send me back to Dubai.