Coping With Autism and ADHD
Rantings From a World That Sucks
Coping with autism and ADHD is already difficult. Living in a neurotypical society doesn’t make it any easier. And on top of that, the world is generally crumbling around us, which definitely isn’t helpful. Do you ever just feel resentful of being brought into this world? Maybe I just never really grew out of my emo phase but like, I didn’t ask to be here. My parents brought me here against my will, okay? They didn’t do the work. Now I’m traumatized on top of my already traumatized undiagnosed neurodivergent brain. Now I’m just stuck existing on this stupid planet. I have to work myself miserable to pay bills we can’t keep up with. Oh, and there’s literally a war going on around us as I type this.
It’s hard to even talk to friends who aren’t experiencing what we are here. I try to keep this blog separate from Israel commentary (although it is a special interest I can talk about forever.) But the reality is I’m struggling to get this blog up the way I’d like to because I’m drowning.
Drowning in heartbreak and sorrow for the loved ones we’ve lost. Buried in the grief of all the loss of life on both sides. Overwhelmed (and terrified) by the ignorant hatred I’m seeing spew from the mouths of people I once called friends. So many are doing it from the right place. They think they’re supporting justice. But in their quest for justice they are being swept up in fervor, ignorant to the facts. You try to tell them the facts and they accuse you of being brainwashed. By our biased media or schools; blind to the fact it’s our loved ones on the frontlines. Unaware it’s our relatives conducting the interviews with terrorists. Terrorists who committed such atrocious acts, hardened journalists have had to relieve the bile from their throats after watching only portions.
This is justice? And I’m supposed to just keep working away in this environment like everything is normal? I’ve been doing some legal transcription work lately so not only do I get to see horrific, soul-crushing pictures of murdered relatives being featured as Reuters image of the day, some days I get to listen to children testify about sexual abuse as well! Like I said, I’m absolutely drowning in horrible things at the moment.
Really? You’re doing this now?
And all of this is happening at a time when I’m at my most emotionally raw and vulnerable. I’ve posted about bits of it previously, but it is true what people say about planning a wedding. It brings up all your unhealed child traumas and the process for me was fundamentally foundation-shifting. I no longer trust some of the people I always thought I could.
Within days of my wedding, I felt scapegoated and abandoned by my entire immediate family. They apparently weren’t aware of the amount of self-work and realizations I’ve had about toxic household dynamics. As I’ve been working through therapy, I’ve started drawing boundaries around the kind of treatment I will and won’t accept and, narcissistic family members have responded, well, narcissistically.
My husband and I are already wondering how we can afford to start a family while living through unspeakable things going on around us, but apparently now is the time to back out of promises and play control games that make us worry about whether we can afford rent next month. I feel backed into a corner in every direction by people finally revealing their true selves.
I feel stuck job-wise because my neurodivergent brain is not all the cute little quirks the internet so oft makes it out to be. Everyone tells me I should be writing more but then when I do what writers do and write about my experiences, I am gaslit. Whether it be from Israel haters on the internet or lashing out family members.
If You’re Angry and Autistic Clap Your Hands
Maybe this post isn’t about any particular neurodivergent topic but I’m just fed up and writing from my angry, disappointed, fed-up soul. I know I’m not the only neurodivergent who feels like the world simply will not let us breathe enough to catch up. The world piles on when you’re at your most exhausted and then blames you for any fallout rather than having any shred of empathy. You just want someone to hear what you’re trying to say but they’d rather complain about your tone and lecture you about how you should have more empathy. Am I undeserving of that same level of empathy? Am I too autistic? Too ADHD and unpalatable? Too loud and prone to correcting you if you’re wrong to deserve space to grieve and process before other people make everything about them?
For so many of us with autism, ADHD, or AuDHD who went undiagnosed into adulthood, we’re met with a constant bray from our parents that “they were doing their best.” Okay, well your best fucked me up and left me traumatized and now I’m left to do the healing work while living through this millenial hellscape of constant disasters. Gee, thanks.
This Too Shall Pass
If you came to this post thinking I had some magic cure for coping with autism and ADHD, I’m sorry. I have no words of motivation or wise revelation to make here at the end. Coping with autism and ADHD isn’t easy but you’re not alone. If you’re also just trying to keep your head above water, send me an email or say hi in the comments. Maybe we can help keep each other afloat.